apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
