Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
