I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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