dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
