She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
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