tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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