They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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