I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
