It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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