Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
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