i was rollin on her like bob the builder
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
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