I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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