my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize