He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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