Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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