ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
