Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
