i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Pooping to opera.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
