If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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