I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
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