Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
zippers are such a cool invention
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
