I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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