i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
