Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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