so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Randomize
