my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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