so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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