my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Randomize
