That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
