My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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