Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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