"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize