thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
