So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
