my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
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