Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize