Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
