Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
