So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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