HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
