the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
