Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
