Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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