my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
