Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
