I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
