He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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