I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
