I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
