I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
