My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
