Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
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