he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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