Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
