The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
