I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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