This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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