idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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