I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
