She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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