I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
