My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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